Characters:
DAVID, a
graduate student living in a large apartment paid for through his cushy
government job. Aged in his late 20’s.
JACK, an
unemployed young man, friend of David, who is always stopping by the apartment
and hanging out. Is currently dating
Anna when he can afford it. Age 20.
ANNA, Jack’s
ostensible girlfriend, has money through her well off parents, with whom she
lives. Goes to community college and is
also close friends with DAVID, and stops by the apartment often as well, most
often with Jack. Aged early 20’s.
ACT I
Setting:
David’s
apartment living room, the present.
David is sitting in a chair in the living
room, reading. Jack knocks, enters
without waiting for a reply, and sits down too.
JACK
[sighing] Well, David, I did it. I talked to her.
DAVID
What do you
mean “her?” Did what to who?
JACK
I talked to
Anna. I told her it wasn’t working.
DAVID
[incredulous] Jack. Why the fuck did you do that?
JACK
Yeah. I told her I just couldn’t do it anymore.
DAVID
But
why? That’s like… Really sad, man.
JACK
[sighing] Yeah I know. I mean she’s a good girl and all, it’s just
that, I mean, I just don’t have feelings for her like I thought I did. I think I’ve fallen in love with someone
else.
DAVID
Someone
else? Like who?
JACK
Well, don’t
tell anyone but… You remember Mary?
DAVID
[stammering, incredulous] Um… That one girl from Scotland? The one who’s pictures you’re always liking?
The super emo looking one? The 16-year-old one? I know you’re just kidding me. I know this just a prank, because you are not
that fucking stupid.
JACK
Yeah I know,
I know… Me and her just have a lot in common, you know? And she’s not emo!
DAVID
Ok, Goth. Whatever.
JACK
She’s just like, alt. She only dresses that way to look cool.
DAVID
Cool? [shouting] She looks like a necromancer,
out of a video game!
JACK
Yeah! Like
the one in Guild Wars! Isn’t that cool?
DAVID
[Shaking his head] I can’t believe I’m hearing
this. This is crazy. You’re
crazy. She’s a fucking kid.
JACK
Yeahhhh…
Yeah… I know… But I mean, she’ll be 17 in like, 2
months. We just have so much in
common. We both like Marilyn Manson a
lot and, um…
DAVID
This is
insane. Is this because you haven’t been
sleeping well? I mean I know you haven’t
slept in like a couple of days or something.
I think you need to rest on this.
JACK
Yeah that’s
what was keeping me up. For a while I
thought I really liked Anna, and it was so much easier to be with her. But when she was over here this last weekend,
this all hit me.
DAVID
What hit
you? That you’d decided you’d made too
many rational, reasonable choices in your life?
That it was better to chase a bird in the bush rather than be content
with the perfectly fine one in your hand?
JACK
Mary told me
she liked me and stuff, and at first I was like “I think you’re a great girl,
but you’re a bit too young for me,” but the more I talked to her, the more I
couldn’t help falling in love with her.
DAVID
What? Over
Facebook? You’re in love with this image
you’ve created of her in your mind. You
don’t really know her. She, too, likes
an image that she’s created of you, not the real you. She’s as clueless as you are.
JACK
She’s like,
really mature for her age though. I
mean, I’m only 20 and she’ll be 17 in a few months. I mean it isn’t that bad.
DAVID
Isn’t that bad?
If you were 30 and she was 26, it would be completely different. But it isn’t.
A 16-year-old girl is going through a lot of changes. She’s going to be very different in a year,
more so in 2, and still more by the time she’s 20.
JACK
I’m going to visit her later this year. I’ve been saving up and I’ll stay with my
cousin Danny. I’ve always wanted to see
Scotland!
DAVID
With what
money? You have no job. You know why Anna was so great? Because she
seemed to love you, despite you never getting anything for her, despite you
never having money for her, despite you never being able to take her out. She never judged
you for your poverty. All that aside,
how the fuck are you going to pay for a trip to the UK, which is absurdly
expensive anyway?
JACK
I’m going to
use my tax return.
DAVID
That is not
income. That is a one-time bonus. That is something you would be far better off
squirreling away for unanticipated expenses.
Not… Blowing it on trips to visit teenage girls in fucking Scotland.
JACK
I’ll be
staying with Danny, remember? I’ll save
a ton of money.
DAVID
That’s not a
real solution. This is crazy, and not in
the funny, cool way. This sort of thing
works out in books and stupid rom-com movies.
Not so much in real life.
JACK
Yeah, I
know. I’d laugh at myself too in your
shoes. But she’s literally perfect for
me. Like if I made a check list about
all the things I’d like in a person, she would fill every box. I
don't think I’ll ever meet a cute, intelligent, Marilyn Manson loving, guitar
playing, brilliant artist and singer with super long hair that collects exotic
animals.
DAVID
[sputtering
angrily] That’s your fucking checklist?
That’s the ideal woman? Long hair and loves Manson? Likes snakes?
JACK
The only
thing that bothers me is the age difference which - she teases me about
constantly. [laughs]
DAVID
You know why
its bothering you? That’s your fucking conscience, pleading in vain for you to
start loving sanity more than teenagers.
How would you even do this? You go to Scotland once, then what? Gonna
have a long distance relationship from here to there? What is your end game on this? What plan of
action could you have?
JACK
Well, she’ll
probably be coming here for art school in like a year and then we’ll see what
happens.
DAVID
This is
madness. Not cool Sparta madness, just
the batshit crazy kind. I’ll talk to you
later man. You need to go and do some
thinking and get some sleep. This is
just insane.
David gets up exits the room. The scene ends, and Jack leaves as well.
ACT II
Setting: David’s apartment, the day after Act
I.
David is sitting in the living room
reading, when Anna and Jack knock and walk in.
DAVID
[surprised]
Well, uh, hi. I wasn’t exactly
expecting to see you two… together.
ANNA
[laughing]
Yeah, can you believe it? This guy wants
to break up with me.
Anna and Jack sit down next to each
other on the couch.
DAVID
Um. You seem to be taking that rather well.
ANNA
Yeah. I kind of already knew he was into someone
else, and so I didn’t take it too seriously.
DAVID
[incredulous]
So you just kept kind of quasi-dating anyway?
JACK
[laughing] yeah I guess so!
DAVID
And that
seems normal and fine to you?
ANNA
We’re just
friends. I actually support him in this.
DAVID
You
what? Is this like your way of getting revenge? Encouraging this lunacy?
ANNA
No! I really
think it might work out or something.
They seem to like each other.
DAVID
So he’s not
only gone insane, but you have too? I
feel like I’m in the looney bin listening to two crazies in straightjackets
telling me that up is down, and that the sky is red.
Anna and Jack laugh together.
DAVID
I’m glad you
find it so… amusing. I don’t know
whether to laugh or cry listening to this nonsense. Maybe it’s good that there’s no screaming or
hitting each other, but this is just bizarre.
JACK
Eh, we’ll
see what happens, you know?
DAVID
What happens
is you guys drag out this farce while you pretend to love her, and then in a
year she realizes that you’re not what she thought you were, or vice versa, and
you go your separate ways.
JACK
[laughing] Yeah man, maybe. Shit’s weird.
Hey, we’re going to go catch a flick, see you later.
DAVID
You’re going
on a date? I feel like I’m the only one
around here who isn’t huffing paint.
Laughing, Anna and Jack leave. The scene ends.
ACT III
Setting: A large public park
David and Anna are walking together
on the path through a park.
DAVID
So it’s been
a dramatic couple of days.
ANNA
Yeah, I mean
I knew this was coming. I already knew
he liked her better.
DAVID
So um... Why
put up with it? I mean that seems a
little absurd to stick around with him in the face of that. It’s not like you guys even dated that long.
ANNA
[shrugging] I don’t know. We talked and I told him I’ll be there anyway
if she doesn’t work out, and since he’s got like a year left until she’ll get
here anyway.
DAVID
[incredulous] Wait so… you’ve basically told him
you’re ok with being the side chick while he pines after another woman? Do you realize how you sound?
ANNA
[looking away] Yeah, I know. It’s just that I mean, it might be the best I
can get.
DAVID
[concerned]
That’s insane. You’re still young and
beautiful and smart. Even if you
weren’t, there’s no reason for you to… degrade
yourself like this.
ANNA
The thing is
its still better than I’ve been treated in the past. Like, I don’t want to give this up completely
and just go back to being lonely.
DAVID
[shocked] But that’s crazy! How on earth will you find any sort of
happiness or genuine love with that mentality?
Why would you settle so low?
ANNA
I don’t know.
It’s just what I’m used to. He
still talks affectionately to me when we’re in bed together, and it’s nice.
DAVID
[sputtering in surprise] Wait… You’re sleeping with him still?
So he ostensibly sets you aside to proclaim his love for this fucking
girl he’s never met overseas, and still fucks you on the side? That’s love?
That’s a relationship? I’m not
sure who’s getting the worse end of the stick, you or this other girl. He obviously doesn’t care that much for her
if he still warms his bed with you.
ANNA
I know it sounds crazy, it’s just all I’ve
had.
DAVID
It breaks my heart to hear you say that. You deserve better. Everyone does.
ANNA
Do I really?
What you say sounds so logical, but, deep down, I just don’t believe that.
DAVID
Then there’s
your problem. And until you do, you’ll
never find something remotely satisfying.
This entire thing is a train wreck and you seem to be aware of that, yet
you just continue on anyway? I’m not
sure which of you is more crazy.
ANNA
Yeah. I don’t think they’ll last too long anyway, then
he might come back.
DAVID
Of course it
won’t. It’s a ridiculous pipe dream and
the odds are she’ll realize he’s not whatever image her teenage mind has
constructed of him, and grow out of him, and probably fairly quickly. When that happens, you would have to be
afflicted with the worst sort of servility and defeat to take him back. I can’t imagine what sort of self-esteem fail
you’d have to have, to accept that state of affairs.
ANNA
[placing her hand on her abdomen] I know. I’m not stupid. It’s just that I’m holding out hope that he changes
his mind and sticks around when the baby comes.
DAVID
[eyes tightly closed in a wince as he
stops walking] Oh
Jesus Christ.
Scene ends.
